oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
bring money and cleavage
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i've created a new STD.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
