Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
