Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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