Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
