they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
