I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Just puked most of my soul out..
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
