this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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