I cut my penus on the lid.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
