I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
