Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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