today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
