and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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