My friends, they love my intelligence
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
