I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
