Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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