then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
