Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Randomize
