Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
