So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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