The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
