I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
