I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
please come you make the beer taste better
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
