i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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