I accidentally had phone sex last night
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
