if i can run in heels then i can drive
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
