Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
