Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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