You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
