I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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