I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
