Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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