I just threw up on my dentist
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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