Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
