It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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