I accidentally burped into my bong.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
