I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
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i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
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I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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