Already got asked if we're dating
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
