Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
