Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
