he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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