i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
