It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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