woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
