i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
