Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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