Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
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Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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