Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?