My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
