Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
