Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
