Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
