What a fucking waste of an outfit
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
