My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
