he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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