cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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