Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize