when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
