it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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