names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
